Bittersweet

Well, I think that Nathan has self-weaned from breastfeeding. From birth to one year, I nursed him or pumped breastmilk for him for every feeding. For the first six weeks of his life, the two of us really struggled with this new skill--neither of us really knew what we were doing, I had insufficient supply issues (my milk did not come in) and he had jaundice. Many trips to the incredibly supportive Bronson Breastfeeding Center, much love and support from Todd, several teary episodes, experimentation with different breastfeeding positions and support pillows (I highly recommend My Brest Friend pillow, even though the name irritates me a little bit), using the supplemental nursing method, and just plain determination all combined to get Nathan and I successfully on track to exclusive breastfeeding.

Going back to work after maternity leave added many challenges to life, one of which being the new adventure of pumping! It took a little while to get into the rhythm of taking scheduled times during the day to pump, but luckily I have my own office with a door and a very supportive work environment. Because I never had a huge supply of milk, I also pumped in the evening after Nathan went to bed in order to keep up with his needs. You may remember this post as evidence that the pumping didn't always take place before my bedtime! :) The website www.kellymom.com proved to be a great resource for all kinds of breastfeeding questions that I had, and the advice and support of the other breastfeeding moms in my life was absolutely invaluable.

The fact that I travel for work added an additional layer to the scheduling and planning aspect of the exclusive breastfeeding goal--making sure there was enough breastmilk at home for Nathan (see the last photo in this post for an example) and making sure that my hotel accommodations and travel plans would allow for the pumping, storage and transportation of the milk I pumped while I was on the road. I have to say that pumping in the public restroom at Chicago O'Hare was NOT my favorite pumping experience!

After Nathan turned one, we transitioned him to drinking cow's milk during the day, and nursing in the morning and evening. This was awesome--no more pumping!! I still had the snuggly, bonding nursing time, but during the day I was not tied to the breast pump. It was definitely the best of both worlds! Gradually, Nathan dropped his evening nursing session. For the last three months or so, I've only been nursing him in the morning. It was a great way to start the day together, and it takes N a little while to fully wake up (like his daddy!) so I think he enjoyed the transition time as well as the bonding.

For the last week and a half, Nathan has not been interested in nursing in the morning. He'll still cuddle with me for a few minutes, but then he's on the move. Sometimes he'll ask for his sippy cup of cow's milk, sometimes he'll go directly into his morning routine of evading the inevitable diaper change. This feels very bittersweet. On one hand, I am thrilled that our breastfeeding journey has come to such a gentle and natural end. On some level I think N and I both feel ready for this change. However, on some level I know we're both struggling with this big step forward in Nathan's independence. He has been suffering some separation anxiety in the last week, both at daycare drop-off and bedtime... "No...Mama...gooooo..." I already deeply miss the snuggling and one-on-one time with Nathan--he's a super affectionate kid, but not one to just cuddle up on my lap. I can't believe my baby is turning into such an independent, individual little boy! It's our goal as parents to raise a confident, independent person, but I think there's always going to be a lump in my throat and some tears in my eyes as I see the different stages of success in accomplishing that goal.